Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Talking corp, talking crap. Poet-ate-o! Po-tah-toe!

Corporate talk has officially gone COO-COO (that's cuckoo for you uninitiated twerps) All this acronym business has gone out of hand. What is wrong with saying “For your information”? See when you talk business, you mean business. So if you opt to talk business in ambiguous acronyms - you're asking for trouble. Like FYI also expands into Fuck Yourself Immediately or Fuck Yourself Imbecile. Nice! I can just about imagine a nice email to the boss that reads… Dear Sir, FYI here are the figures you requested. See? Told you? There's just too much left to interpretation. Now if I were the boss, I could tell my dear lowlifes (cos that's what you are if you aren't the boss- anything below the boss is a lowlife. Take it from a lowlife) to spell it out. No ambiguity with me. Thank you very much. Not just that, FYI is so incredibly rude. I've only used it when I’m bickering with someone. And whenever anyone mentions FYI in their emails, I'm thinking "God! What did I do to piss you off, NOW?"
The experience of having someone throw abbreviations and acronyms at me, is not unlike searching for one particular song in a 100 GB iPod. Without a search button or a helpful happy doggy pawing the ground. Oh, I’m getting my OSes mixed here. But you know what I’m talking about, don't you? I have to jog my memory to place WTF is he/she talking about. Like when someone asks me "What's the POA?" I used to want to ask back "POA? If I knew what POA is, in the first place, perhaps, I could enlighten you about what THE POA is." But the first rule in the book of corporate rules is Act like you know - don't ask questions. And do it well. So I act. And give vague answers. Or simply act difficult. Which BTW, I don't have to do any acting for, because by nature, I'm difficult. So difficult, I could put it on my CV. But since it’s not like me to brag, I try to be modest about it. But thankfully, now I know what POA is and I see no chance of misplacing my POA. So, yeay for me!
So we were saying - acronyms. Funny how it sounds like paroxysm, no? For some reason, ASAP always made me think of Kiss my Ass. I refuse to think that has anything to do with the inherently difficult person that I am - but with the structure of the two - too much relation going on. Like they're first cousins or something. But it's poetic don't you think. It's almost like a knee jerk reflex. Someone says ASAP to someone else, to which someone else thinks 'Kiss my Ass'. If the someone else is a little politer, 'In your dreams', would be what they'd think. By ASAP somehow awakens the green hulk monster in most of us and the aforementioned someone is treated to an ugly green rear end.
Then you have POVs which sounds like something you'd stuff up people's rearends, if their corporate rearends weren't so stuffy already.
and PFA which sounds like a choice south Indian abuse
and CTR. This one had me look at with my head tilted at several and different degrees. Every time I saw it on my joblist, I'd freak out. CTR? What the hell is CTR. Am I in trouble? Am I in trouble. Mayday. Mayday. Where is the damn papercup? Then i stopped panicking. Cos Client To Revert looks a lot nicer on your jobstat than "this lazy ass hasn't begun work yet!"
and BAU Business As usual, people. The corporate jungle is like a prison movie and we're all just bitches. So let's hear you say bau bau!

and then there are not so common ones which are very, very entertaining if not anything else.

AFLO - Another flipping learning opportunity
AHYOA - Asshole of the Year award. The award which probably holds the world records for its sheer number of contenders. (including yours truly, heh heh)
BEER - This one's just asking for trouble. Imagine this baby popping up in the 72nd slide of a 300-slide PPT? You might as well have a farewell party for your attention span. You've lost your audience. Rush to the "Thank you" slide with the dufus smiley and do your good deed for the day. Sad though, considering how pompous and grand sounding its expansion is in factuality - such promise it had. check out what i found on the net. Behaviour, Effect, Expectation, Results. The headings by which to assess performance of anything, particularly a new initiative. A great discipline when working with a team or delegating another to conduct a review, when it's important to keep the review focused. HA HA HA that's wishful thinking!!

But now for the mother of all stupid corporate acronyms. An acquaintance I made last week. And since I heard it with my own ears, I know it's in circulation among the who's who of the biggies. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you BHAG - pronounced beehag. I'll give you a moment here. I know! I know! It’s a little too much to take. Smarties who have heard of the term before, don't show off. Stop doing your ho-hum routine, already. Okay now, back to our lesson in strange corporate talk. (Geez, imagine how these corp folk would pillowtalk. Ugh!)
Back to BHAG. No, it has nothing to do with that bitch slash hag some of you might call boss. And it's not a term given to the boss-shagger. You have to admit it brings to mind 'shag'. BHAG is a Big Hairy Audacious Goal. WTF, i say!! Why God, why? In this age of degeneration..there is such degeneration. Big Hairy Audacious Goal for crying out loud!! It brings to mind, at least my mind, a viking with bramble bushes for armpits. Why viking? Cos somehow it reminds me of Hagar the Horrible. And it brings to mind many other things. But it certainly doesn't make me think of any Audacious Goal. It makes me think of things too gross to mention. Ewww. To think in these days of political correctness which renders every conversation a potential landmine, it's alright for BHAG to be part of the vision/mission/dishum dishum statements!! Like I said, it's all gone COO-COO!

P.S. My apologies to all of you who will be COOs someday.

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