Friday, July 27, 2012

scenes from heaven

God: Noah, I'm done with the human race. I don't like them. They dirty my oceans, kill my little fishies, ruin my forests and build eyesores that can out Babel to shame. They have no imagination, no love for one another, are boring, takes themselves too seriously and they're procreating like as if they have diamonds coming out of their loins. YUCK! I think it's time to go for another purge session.
Noah: Yes, Your Almightiness. I agree. So what do you suggest? We pull the flush down on those buggers again? 
God: (scratching his long, white beard) Nyyyaaah. It's been done before. I need something original. Something more ingenious. You know? I'm god! Something that I can put on my portfolio, you know? Like the Ark? I love how it's messing with people's minds down there, about how the unicorns and the dinosaurs missed the boat! That's epic stuff. I can't have a Noah's Ark Part 2, can I? They haven't made a movie on the first one only! I can't jump the boat, can i? 
Noah: (Trying to roll his eyes without rolling his eyes)
God: No, Noah, I don't know when you'll ever learn! I'm God, I know you were going to roll your eyes before you knew you wanted to roll your eyes. In fact, I knew you'll want to roll you eyes at this very minute when you were swimming around in your mother's womb. Aaaaaand you're doing it again! You humans never learn, do you?
Noah: (Now clearly rolling his eyes) Moving on! So about the humans, what do you propose we do?
God: Hmmmm…yeah so we can't have another flood. They'll think the arctic caved into global warming and heaven would have a subsequent, horrible case of Greenpeace population in angel robes singing, "I told you so"! I don't think I can handle that sort of a thing! I NEED IDEAS, NOAH! You can't say you have "Noah" ideas. 
(God chuckles into his own joke. As for Noah, he's gotten used to God's punning since the Old Testament, so he keeps an impassive face) 
Noah: How about we swarm the world with…umm….. rats?
God: Rats? (thunders) RATS? Do i look like the Pied Piper to you? Rats have been done already, Noah. Besides it's too obvious. I want something more subtle. Some more cooler. Something more guerrilla. Rats are like a flashmob of a thing. Very lame. 
Noah: Hmmmmm..guerrilla you say? How about we, (pauses dramatically) let "weed" become a weed? Like it grows everywhere. On fields, creepers, in the vegetable garden, on the barks of trees, on walls, in people's living rooms and out of rabbit ears? 
God: (Looking at Noah very curiously) Have you been smoking Noah? (Sniffs) No? Okay, let me brief you once again. We're trying to purge the human race. Not create HEAVEN ON EARTH. 
Noah: (Wiping enough Godspit off him to get nostaligic about the Ark) Hmmm not good? Then what if we…umm..locusts, we've done. First borns (makes slicing motion with his finger on his throat), check. How about we spray acid instead of rain?
God: (Very pissed off, but grinding his teeth to not lose it) You've been at your Saw DVD collection again, haven't you? It's just not cool enough, Noah. You're pissing me off. I need a hot soak. Let's continue this discussion over my hot soak.

God claps and voila, a nice bubbly bath appears. He steps in and claps. Ping! His little ducky and sharkie and ship appears and floats about happily. 

God: (blowing bubbles) You're such an dolt sometimes Noah. It makes me so mad. What is it? You need a break or something? I just don't get it. You were one of my top performers. Tell me, how is it that such a genius can be such an idiot sometimes. (God's tension vein pops on his forehead and He clenches his fist) IT PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH SOMETIMES; I WONDER WHAT THE POINT OF IT ALL IS. AND I WANT TO JUMP OFF A CLIFF! Imagine what the world would be if there are more like you down there? arrrrrggggghhhhhhh……(pauses)..hahhahha…more like you?Hmmmm… Hahaha! That's it? I'll fill the world with idiots. An idiot here, an idiot there and an idiot everywhere. All the nonidiots would want to pull their hair out in sheer agony while the idiots double faster than bacteria! It's like a zombie movie…only more entertaining. Idiots will rule! Yeas…that's a destructive with so much coolness, that prat George Clooney couldn't hold the Paschal candle to. Hahahahhahahaha"
(God leaves the tub screaming Eureka! Eureka!) 
Noah: (To the audience) And that my friends, is how I lead Him to arrive at it!!! Should let the old boy believe that He's running the show, shouldn't we?"

Down curtains

The End. 

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